The 13 Things Churches Do to Plan to Stagnate (A Satire and a PS)

“The economy is down.”

“The economy is up.”

“Who knows where the economy is going to go?”

“Whatever is happening out there I am just going to wait it out.”

Amid others, these statements are the kind of quotes made literally or figuratively by senior pastors around the country. These are good people who are setting in place stagnation for the churches they serve. No pastor would ever say that they are planning to stagnate the greatest mission on the planet to which they have been entrusted. However, that is exactly what is happening in far too many churches.

To state the obvious, the 13 things are purely satire. Read them that way. I will say that many of the things I list below I have actually seen or heard in churches across the country. It is a sad commentary on the leadership of those churches. As the senior leader of the church you serve I implore you to do everything you can to prevent church stagnation. Do not PLAN to stagnate.

However, if you insist on stagnating, staying flat, or maybe even moving a few people out of the seats and parking spaces, I encourage you to follow one or more of the 13 things to successful stagnation.

1. Wait & See – With the economy in the tank, coming out of the tank, going further into the tank, pick your poison; I recommend you wait and see before you do anything to advance the Gospel. Certainly something uncertain will pop up and you had better wait and see before moving forward with plans to reach more people for Jesus.

2. Make an Idle Plan – This is sure to keep the church board and leadership convinced that you actually are trying to move the church forward. You do not even have to be excited about this plan. Just put one together that you can tout as being “the plan” and then do nothing with it. Works every time!

3. Sit Back & Coast – You have had some good momentum and that is sure to last you during any uncertain times. Besides that you deserve a break. It will do you no good to forge ahead so sit back and coast. Rest. It will be good for you. Maybe even for the church. They deserve a break today!

4. Play to the Naysayers – You have a good number of very smart analytical people in the church you serve. These folks were invaluable to you during Y2K and now you should really listen to them. Play it safe and don’t make any mistakes. Something is going to go wrong. Plan on it!

5. Focus on the Short Term – Forget the long-term. In the good times, you had the luxury of planning ahead but now, forget it. Think only about next Sunday and maybe next month if you have to. Besides that short-term gains, if they are to be had, are the only things that count.

6. Forget About What Bill, Rick, Ed & Andy Are Doing – These guys in S. Barrington, Lake Forest, Dallas and Alpharetta do not have to deal with the real world of economic downturns so why should you look to any successes they might be developing. Besides, they will be there after you get done playing to the naysayers.

7. Assume Technology Can Wait – One of the things that happens is when things turn downward Bill Gates and Steve Jobs go on really long vacations. In the same way certainly nothing of any value to the church will come down the pike while the church sits tight. Besides that you have made it into the 90s in technology. Maybe you can get into the 00s when everything improves.

8. Maintain the Status Quo – You know that a lot of churches are declining and that if you have a 25% attrition rate, actually you have to grow by 25% to stay level. So do not feel so bad if you don’t plan to improve your total number over last year because you grew anyway. Math always was your strong suit.

9. Just Get By – You know as the senior pastor that there is a level of superior excellence, and then there is a level that is acceptable to most people. Live with the acceptable. You can get by and you should.

10. Tolerate Stuff – You were so legalistic and such a stickler for detail when the church was growing and developing momentum. Ease up. Remember God is a God of grace so during this tough time you can tolerate stuff. Nobody will really notice that you are not performing at the top of your game. Tolerate.

11. Stop Thinking of New Approaches to Ministry – For goodness sakes, we are in a downturn. Why in the world would you try to think of new ways to reach people with the Gospel? Stick with the tried and true. If that does not work, you have to know God is not ignorant of what is going on down here.

12. Allow Your Core Values to Lapse – Core values are critical to steering the ship, certainly in the beginning. Now, however, you are facing unprecedented times so you can let these values lapse for just a bit. You know down deep you will come back to them, but now is the time to operate with a different set of values.

13. Circle the Wagons – Bill, Rick, Ed and Andy can do the heavy lifting. It is time for you to retrench and prevent any mistakes. Don’t take on any water. Make sure no one on the outside gets in. Just take care of those on the inside. Evangelism and missions will return when the risk is less. That is good stewardship of your resources.

So there you have it, the 13 things you can do to stagnate the church you serve. Can’t wait to see what that formerly great church you have been called to serve looks like after you implement one or more of these 13.

Good luck!

P.S. Put a “Don’t” in front of all 13 things and see what that does.