Avoid, Confront, and Everything in Between – The Conflict Management Style Primer

Do you tend to avoid conflicts or face each one head-on, never taking no for an answer? Or is your typical response to conflict someplace in between these two extremes? Conflict management researchers have identified five styles that are commonly used to both resolve and temporarily manage conflicts: avoiding, accommodating, compromising, competing and collaborating. And, while you may favor one of these styles, knowing when and how to use all five appropriately can help you produce the best results.

Avoiding is a wise strategy to use when your commitment to the relationship involved is low and you have little to gain by resolving the conflict. It’s a good strategy to use when you are cut off on the highway or you believe that your opponent might be dangerous. Avoiding is effective when you will benefit from cooling down or getting away.

In your personal life and in the current business environment, where success is often based on on-going relationships, avoiding is usually a bad choice. Ultimately, if you’re a chronic avoider, leaving solutions to chance, your frustrated friends, business associates, and family members will label you a poor communicator. And, since its easy to fall into the avoiding trap, if you have been programmed since childhood to be nice, there needs to be a conscious effort to regularly avoid avoiding.

Accommodating is a useful strategy when maintaining a relationship is more important then the issues in question. Occasionally, we should all be willing to accommodate – you can buy a lot of loyalty in your personal and professional connections, by accommodating simple requests.

On the other hand, sometimes this strategy can be taken too far. Constantly pacifying others, covering up, pretending everything is OK, minimizing differences, and abandoning her own needs and desires in order to meet another’s requests or demands is self-destructive. If you are an chronic accommodator you have probably found that this pattern of excessive giving leaves you feeling resentful and disappointed.

Competing is marked by a strong desire to achieve coupled with the use of force, hidden activities, or power. Competing is a great strategy to use when the issue at hand is extremely important, giving in would result in tremendous loss, or your opponent is unwilling to accept anything short of a total win.

Competing may help you achieve your goal, however, this strategy should be used with caution in the workplace and at home. The perception that you are a steamroller will make you seem unsafe, controlling, or combative. Use this strategy sparingly with those you are close to or when you care about the connection.

Compromising typically allows us to meet as many of our own goals as possible without seriously harming the relationship. Each side gives up something in order to gain a part of what is most wanted. Best of all, when time and other resources are limited, seeking a fair split between positions often results in a quick resolution. However, before you jump into a compromise you may want to ask the other side “how can I make it right?” You may be surprised to learn that the other side wants less then expected or a real win-win is easy to come by.

Collaborating, unlike the other four approaches, fosters both meeting your goals and improving the relationship. Collaborators seek ways to integrate their interests with the interests of the person on the other side. Collaborating is about confronting the problem, not the other party. Others enjoy living, working, and doing business with collaborators and if they believe that you are willing to collaborate they will often see you in a favorable light.

Unfortunately, collaboration is not appropriate for every situation. The process can be very time consuming and often requires a stronger commitment to working it out than may exist in minor conflicts, when strong emotions or suspicion are ignited, or when no close relationship exists. When you’re considering collaboration as a strategy, ask yourself these questions:

o Do I have the time and resources that are necessary to engage in this process available?

o Will setting a positive tone and having a flexible dialogue help me to end or avoid a cycle of bad feelings?

o Is my objective to learn, test assumptions, or understand someone else’s views?

o Are the issues and relationships involved very important to me?

o Do I need a firm commitment from the people on the other side on these issues?

If you can answer yes to these questions, collaboration will usually be your best option for success.

Which of these five styles do you naturally prefer? Do you stretch and use other styles or do you almost always respond to conflict using the style you’re most comfortable with? Think about the last conflict you encountered. Which conflict management style did you use? Was this the best choice? Could another approach have produced better results? Next time, before reacting, consider your response and allow yourself to consciously choose from among all five styles – picking the one with the greatest potential for effective conflict management.